Monday, April 26, 2010

The Birdess Book of World Records

It would seem that my mom was trying to float a rumor yesterday about me attempting to 'wake the dead' with my afternoon vocalizations. As you might imagine, I have a few comments in this regard. I cleverly usurped the keyboard while she was in the kitchen refilling her glass of tawney port wine. (She said something about her ears still ringing from yesterday. Does wine reduce ear ringing? Just checking....)

First, I think she quickly forgets how loudly I am actually able to scream. Did she think that was it? I was only at about 80% of capacity! There's always room for more screaming and more chewing!

Second, it would seem she was unaware that I had secretly applied (thus, the 'secret' part) to the Birdess Book of World Records. If ever I was going to memorialize my place of importance in the Birdess Book of World Records, screaming seemed to be like falling off a branch... rather easy for me! I've fallen off this one a number of times!
Yes, I understand she was trying to take a Sunday afternoon nap. Don't think she didn't tell me that more times in 5 minutes than I can drop a toy. However, you must understand that she takes a nap every Sunday. How many naps a week does a human actually need? If she went to bed at sunset like I do, she'd have a lot more energy and not need so many naps!

(Oh, I could also give her some diet advice, but I'll save that for another blog entry.)

And in all honesty, I wasn't even going for the loudest scream birdie record (do you think I should give that one a shot?). I was going for the record of longest scream session.

There was a slight hiccup in the process of attempting to break the record: The Society actually has rules to follow if you want to qualify. Really cramped my style a bit.

This is going to come as a big surprise to all of you, but I can have some trouble with rules from time to time. My mom raised me to be an independent thinker and to be empowered to make my own choices. (She did not raise me to be a diva... I managed that all on my own!)

It would seem there is no category for "free-style" screaming. Some of the Committee's expectations:

1. No bashing toys during any of the screaming. C'mon now.... I can hardly be expected to get through an afternoon without beating a toy to a pulp, now can I?
Screaming and bashing toys really does go hand in hand. It must have been one of the bourke committee members that made up this rule. From what I can tell, they don't even like toys!

2. One is required to stay perch-side. This may come as a surprise, but due to my mom's failure to provide me with ballet lessons as a chick, I'm not the most graceful amazon around. Sometimes I just walk across my fort - and - well, next thing I know I'm on the floor heading for the ladder.
If you want my opinion, the one thing Fort Coco is missing is a good slide. I could simply slide down and then climb up the ladder. I've got wings, but sliding is so much more fun!3. I'm not sure which avian on the rules committee came up with this one - but they require that you not intimidate any other household animals while attempting to break the record. I know two macaws on the committee, and they would never vote against intimidation!In my defense, I was not completely clear on what qualified as intimidation. It would seem looking upon Barney with disgust and disdain was regarded as an attempt to intimidate.

Puh-leeze... if I wanted to intimidate him I would have backed his little brindled-behind up against the wall and given him a free manicure.
Look at those nails... and I'd like a chance to remove those basset hound spots from his arms!

So - the good news? They are letting me try to break the record again next Sunday afternoon! Woo-hoo!!!!

Do you think they might give me bonus points if I waited until dad and Barney were sleeping too?



1 comment:

Simple Southern Happiness said...

My, you seem to have your human subjects toll the line quite well. Yelling does get things accomplished we have always found that to be true. The louder the better and keeping it constant till the get up and do what we command. You are correct, how many naps do those humans need? Keep up the good work..
Master Sun and Miss Goldie Conure.

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